Not just another day as a woman pursuing a career in leadership

Not just another day as a woman pursuing a career in leadership

When I was a little girl, I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. With fire and passion in my eyes, I answered confidently, “A pastor!” They laughed and said, “Do you mean a pastor’s wife? You can’t be a pastor. You’re a girl.”

When I was an undergraduate student exploring who I wanted to be, I sheepishly told my grandmother that I was considering being a conductor, that my desire was to lead bands, orchestras, choirs. She stared at me blankly and slowly shook her head as she said “…But you’re a girl.”

Years later, I left a job interview feeling hopeful about my performance and proud of the abilities I exhibited. But as I was walking to my car, I overheard two ladies on the hiring committee talking in the parking lot. “I don’t know, I just want a male director. That’s how it should be. I simply don’t want to follow a girl.” 

I have always been told that to succeed as a woman, I have to be so good at what I do that it’s irrefutable that I deserve the leadership position. Otherwise, it will always go to the man. They will always be better, smarter, more deserving, easier to follow. If I leave any shadow of doubt, I am never good enough. Because I am a girl. No further questions.

Today, that changed for the first time. 

I stepped into the rehearsal room gripped by fear. These professional singers were going to eat me alive. Not only were they used to working with directors with more education and experience than me, they were also used to men. Confident, larger-than-life men with big personalities and unquestionable authority. I felt so unworthy and incapable. What was I doing here? How did this happen?

Before I could spiral any further, the singers trickled in. To my surprise, I was greeted with warmth and acceptance. Each person entering the room saw me and said the same thing: “You’re leading us today? Oh, thank GOD.” The relief on their faces could not be feigned. After so many reactions, I eventually started asking them why. I’d never led them before, and although they knew me as a singer, I’d undoubtedly be a less skilled director than what they were used to. Surely they knew that. But their answers shocked me. “Because you are a girl,” they shrugged. “You get it. I know I won’t be spoken down to or belittled. For today’s rehearsal, I’m safe.” 

I still have major qualms about gender stereotypes and predetermined ideals based on gender alone. But in a world where my womanhood is usually a roadblock, today’s experience shows 7-year-old me and 19-year-old me and 21-year-old me that there is more than just the worldview that being a woman is a debilitating weakness. Today, I was a powerful, safe, female leader. And I’m proud of that.